Hello, wonderful friends!
Merry Christmas (and gentle holidays, however you celebrate).
If you’re reading this on the edge of travel, family gatherings, or the annual return to the place where you “became you,” I want to start by saying something that your nervous system might really need to hear:
If you feel more activated when you go home, you are not broken. You are human.
For many of us, going home for the holidays is not just a change in location. It’s a change in stimulus. It’s a reintroduction to the old variables—voices, smells, routines, relational roles, family rules, unspoken expectations, and the people who were present during the most formative chapters of our lives. And sometimes those chapters include childhood trauma, chronic stress, emotional neglect, or dynamics that taught us to adapt in ways we don’t need anymore… but our body remembers anyway.
When we’re living our adult lives, away from those original environments, it’s often easier to feel like we’ve “moved on.” Our nervous system has space. We’ve matured. We’ve grown. Many of us have done deep therapy work. We’ve learned new boundaries and built a more stable internal world.
And then… we walk back into the old house (or the old energy), and suddenly we’re like:
“Why am I 12 again?”
“Why do I feel small?”
“Why am I people-pleasing?”
“Why am I defensive?”
“Why do I want to fix everything?”
If that’s you, please know this is incredibly normal.
In-Depth: When You Go Home, Your Nervous System Time-Travels.
Here’s the simplest way I can explain what happens:
Home is a trigger-rich environment.
Even if the people are kind… even if you love them… even if there’s no “big trauma story” … the environment itself can be packed with cues your body associates with the past.
When we were kids, we adapted to our families and environments the way all kids do: brilliantly and automatically. We didn’t adapt because we were weak. We adapted because we needed connection, safety, belonging, and survival.
So we developed strategies like:
- Fawning / people-pleasing (staying agreeable to stay safe)
- Hyper-independence (not needing anyone because needing hurt)
- Perfectionism (performing for approval)
- Caretaking (managing everyone’s feelings)
- Shutdown / dissociation (going numb when it’s too much)
- Hypervigilance (tracking moods, scanning for danger)
- Anger or control (because vulnerability didn’t feel safe)
And here’s the tricky part:
Those adaptations may have been unhelpful in the long run…, but they were helpful at the time.
They were your nervous system’s way of saying, “I’ve got you.”
Why it feels discouraging…
A lot of my readers are deeply self-aware. You’ve done therapy. You’ve learned your patterns. You’ve created distance from dynamics that weren’t healthy. You’ve built a life you’re proud of.
So, when old reactions show up during the holidays, it can feel discouraging, like:
“Did I not heal?”
“Am I back to square one?”
“Why is this still a thing?”
Let me gently reframe that:
Healing doesn’t mean you never get triggered. Healing means you notice sooner, recover faster, and have more choices.
Triggers don’t mean failure. Triggers mean that memory networks are being activated—often outside conscious awareness.
Sometimes the activation is obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle: irritability, fatigue, a tight chest, a headache, a sudden urge to withdraw, a desire to prove yourself, or that old familiar feeling of “I need to manage this.”
“Unfinished business” is a normal urge.
When we’re activated, we often want resolution. We want to finally say the thing, get the apology, be understood, be seen, be chosen, be protected. We want the discomfort to stop.
That desire makes sense. It’s the part of you that’s saying, “This still matters to me.”
But here’s the compassion + wisdom combination I want to offer:
You can want resolution without trying to resolve it at Christmas dinner.
Sometimes the healthiest version of “resolution” is:
- choosing not to argue with a reality that isn’t ready to change
- grieving what you didn’t get
- protecting your peace
- noticing what gets activated and bringing it to therapy later
- practicing new internal boundaries, even if the external ones are complicated
Your growth isn’t measured by whether your family changes. It’s measured by how well you stay connected to yourself. I always tell my clients that the heat you find when you’re triggered is just what we need to chase in session!
Practical Advice: Gentle Tools for Holiday Triggers (Before, During, After)
Before you go (or before they arrive):
- Name your “old role.”
Ask yourself: Who do I become around them? The fixer? The quiet one? The peacekeeper? The achiever?
Awareness gives you options. - Set one intention that’s about YOU.
Examples:- “I will take breaks without explaining.”
- “I will eat and sleep like I matter.”
- “I will not abandon myself to keep things comfortable.”
- Plan an exit strategy (even if you don’t use it).
You don’t need drama. You need a nervous system that knows, “I can leave.”
During the gathering:
- Use micro-regulation (tiny resets).
- Feel your feet in your shoes.
- Relax your jaw.
- Breathe out longer than you breathe in.
- Put your hand on your chest and remind your body: “I’m here now. I’m safe now.”
- Make space between stimulus and response.
If you feel activated, try:- “Let me think about that.”
- “I’m going to grab some water.”
- “I’m going to step outside for a minute.”
- “I’m going to take a short walk and stretch my legs.”
- Reality-check your urgency.
Activation often makes things feel urgent: fix it now, prove it now, explain it now.
Try this: “Is this a now-problem, or an old-problem showing up in a new moment?”
Afterwards:
- Do a “decompression ritual.”
- hot shower
- cozy clothes
- music
- movement
- journaling: “What got activated, and what did I need?”
- Talk to yourself like someone you love.
Not: “Ugh, why am I like this?”
But: “Of course, this was hard. That place holds history.”
A Few Loving Scripts (Because We All Need Words When We’re Activated)
- Boundary-light but clear:
“That’s not something I’m getting into today.” - Kind redirect:
“Let’s talk about something lighter—how’s work going?” - Self-protection without explanation:
“I’m going to take a quick break. I’ll be back in a bit.” - Internal script (the most important one):
“I don’t have to earn love. I don’t have to perform to belong. I can stay with myself.”
Holiday Reminder: You Can Love People and Still Need Space.
Sometimes we feel guilty for needing boundaries or distance, or for feeling dread.
Let me say this clearly:
Needing space doesn’t mean you’re unloving. It means you’re listening.
You are allowed to protect your nervous system.
You are allowed to have limits.
You are allowed to honor your healing.
And if you are spending Christmas alone, estranged, grieving, or managing complicated family realities, please know I’m holding space for you too. Holidays can magnify everything. You are not the only one navigating a tender season.
A Blessing for the Part of You That’s Trying…
If the holidays stir up your old adaptations, I hope you’ll remember:
Those parts of you aren’t “bad.” They are protective. They are loyal. They learned their job a long time ago.
And now, as an adult, you get to teach them something new:
“Thank you for how you protected me. I’ve got it from here.”
Much love and peace coming your way!
Kelly