Have you ever felt stuck in a relationship where your happiness depends on someone else? I often tell people that codependency, simply put, is “I can’t be okay if you’re not okay.” If you struggle with this, that’s often a sign of codependency. It’s a tricky pattern to break, but we can learn to have healthier connections with some work.
Codependency can manifest in many ways. We might always put others first, even when it hurts us, or we might try to control people to feel safe. Breaking the cycle of codependency starts with accepting that we’re in this pattern and learning to set good boundaries.
The good news is that change is possible. We can learn to value ourselves and build relationships based on mutual care and respect. It takes time and effort, but healthier, happier bonds are worth it. This is where freedom lives. Let’s explore steps to break free from codependency and create more balanced relationships.
Understanding Codependency
Codependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It happens when we usually put someone else’s needs before our own. We might think we’re being kind, but it can lead to problems. It’s also often rooted in a deep fear of rejection, which can ultimately leave us feeling alone.
Some signs of codependency include:
- Always saying yes, even when we want to say no
- Feeling responsible for others’ feelings
- Ignoring our own needs and wants
- Having low self-esteem
Codependency often starts in childhood. We may have learned to act this way to feel safe or loved. We felt like we had to constantly scan the environment and attempt to manage those around us to create the illusion of control in an otherwise powerless situation. As adults, we keep doing it without realizing it’s not healthy.
In codependent relationships, one person usually takes on a “caretaker” role. They try to fix everything for their partner. They over function and do more than they need or take more responsibility than necessary. The other person might become too dependent, creating an unbalanced situation.
We can break this cycle by learning to set boundaries. It’s okay to say no sometimes, and we need to take care of ourselves, too.
Therapy can be a big help. A therapist can teach us new ways to cope and build our self-esteem. We can learn why we developed these adaptations to our environments and ultimately unlearn those behaviors to have healthier relationships where everyone’s needs matter equally.
Remember, changing patterns takes time. Be patient with yourself as you learn and grow. Small steps can lead to big changes in how we relate to others.
Consequences of Codependency
Codependency can have far-reaching effects on our lives and relationships. Let’s look at some of the main impacts:
Mental Health
Codependency often leads to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. We might feel responsible for others’ emotions, which can be exhausting and stressful.
Relationships
Our connections with others can become unhealthy and unbalanced. We may struggle to set boundaries or express our own needs.
Self-Neglect
When we focus too much on others, we often neglect our well-being. This can affect our physical and emotional health.
Work Life
Codependency can spill over into our professional lives. We might take on too much responsibility or have trouble delegating tasks. This leads to burnout and resentment.
Family Dynamics
Codependency can impact entire families, creating cycles of unhealthy behavior that pass down through generations. All it takes is one member of the family to begin changing, and others often follow suit.
By recognizing these patterns, we can start breaking the cycle of codependency and working towards healthier relationships with ourselves and others.
Recognizing the Signs of Codependency
Spotting codependency can be tricky. We often mistake it for love or care. But there are key signs to watch for. We’re also often rewarded for codependent behavior, and we wear our over-functioning titles like a badge of honor.
People with codependency often have low self-esteem. They may feel worthless without their partner. They might always put others first, even if it hurts them.
We see codependents struggle with boundaries. They have trouble saying “no” and may feel responsible for others’ feelings. This can lead to anxiety when loved ones are upset.
Here are some common signs:
- Constant worry about others
- Fear of abandonment
- Difficulty making decisions alone
- Seeking approval from others
- Ignoring one’s own needs
Codependents might also try to fix or rescue others. They may feel guilty when they can’t solve someone else’s problems.
We can also spot subtle signs. These include difficulty receiving compliments or always apologizing, even for small things.
Recognizing these patterns is the first step to change. If we see these signs in ourselves or others, asking for help is okay.
Strategies to Break the Cycle of Codependency
We can take steps to break free from codependent patterns. First, we need to build self-awareness and recognize unhealthy behaviors. This means paying attention to our thoughts and actions in relationships.
Setting healthy boundaries is key. We should learn to say “no” when needed and respect others’ limits. It’s okay to put our needs first sometimes. If we aren’t sure if we want to do something, it’s okay to let the person know that you need to get back to them. This will allow you to take some time to make a mindful decision.
Seeking professional help can make a big difference. Therapy like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can help us reprocess these adaptations, and urges learned in childhood, which serve as a survival technique or a strategy to manage an otherwise powerless situation in our environment.
We can also join support groups to connect with others facing similar challenges. Sharing experiences and tips can be helpful.
Building self-esteem is crucial. We can start by listing our good qualities and achievements. Positive self-talk can boost our confidence over time. Write positive affirmations on your bathroom mirror to help remind you that you matter AS MUCH as any other person in your life!
Practicing self-care is also important. We should make time for activities we enjoy and that help us relax. These can include exercise, hobbies, or spending time with friends.
Learning to communicate better is another useful skill. We can practice expressing our feelings and needs clearly and calmly. Learning about assertive communication is key. For more about that, check out this episode of Adaptable, Behavior Explained.
Remember, breaking codependency takes time and effort. But with these strategies, we can create healthier relationships and a happier life.
Tips for Maintaining Healthy Relationships
Breaking free from codependency is a big step. Now let’s, let’s examine how we can build healthier connections.
Setting boundaries is key. We need to clearly say what we’re okay with and what we’re not. This helps stop others from taking advantage of us. Learn more about boundaries here!
It’s essential to take care of ourselves first. We can’t pour from an empty cup. Self-care and self-respect are must-haves for good relationships.
We should aim for balance. Healthy relationships are like two trees growing side by side. They support each other but keep their shape.
Communication is vital. We need to share our feelings and needs openly, and it’s also crucial to listen to our partners without judgment.
Here are some quick tips:
- Be honest about your feelings
- Respect each other’s privacy
- Spend time apart to pursue own interests
- Support each other’s goals
- Apologize when wrong
Let’s not forget to have fun together! Shared activities can strengthen our bond.
We should also check in with ourselves often. Are we happy? Do we feel respected? If not, it might be time to make changes.
Remember, healthy relationships take work. But the effort is worth it for the joy and support they bring to our lives.
When to Seek Professional Help
Breaking free from codependency isn’t always easy. Sometimes, we need extra support to make fundamental changes in our lives and relationships.
If we’ve tried to set boundaries but keep falling back into old patterns, it might be time to talk to a therapist. They can help us understand why we act the way we do.
We should think about getting help if:
- Our relationships feel very one-sided
- We often feel anxious, depressed, or burnt out
- We have trouble saying “no” to others
- We neglect our own needs to take care of someone else
Therapy and support groups can give us tools to build healthier relationships. A therapist can teach us ways to boost our self-esteem and set good boundaries.
Some helpful types of therapy include:
How EMDR Therapy Helps with Codependency Symptoms
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an amazing tool for tackling the deep-rooted issues often found in codependency. EMDR works by targeting the traumatic memories and negative beliefs that drive these behaviors.
During EMDR sessions, a therapist guides you through a series of eye movements or other bilateral stimulation while you focus on distressing memories. This process helps reprocess these memories, reducing their emotional charge and changing the negative beliefs associated with them.
For those struggling with codependency, EMDR can help break the cycle of unhealthy relationships by addressing the root causes of these behaviors. It can boost self-esteem, enhance emotional regulation, and foster healthier relationship patterns. By reprocessing past traumas and reshaping negative self-perceptions, EMDR empowers you to prioritize your needs and well-being.
It’s brave to ask for help. Breaking the cycle of codependency takes time and effort, but we don’t have to do it alone. With the proper support, we can build happier, healthier relationships.
Final Thoughts
Breaking free from codependency is a journey. We’ve explored the signs and impacts of this behavior pattern.
Now, it’s time to take action.
Remember, change starts with us. We can learn to set healthy boundaries and value our own needs. This isn’t selfish – it’s necessary for our well-being.
Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Therapy can give us tools to build healthier relationships, and support groups can connect us with others on similar paths.
Let’s be patient with ourselves. Breaking codependent habits takes time. We might slip up, but that’s okay. What matters is that we keep trying.
As we work on ourselves, our relationships will change, too. Some may improve; others might end. That’s part of growth.
We deserve happiness and fulfilling connections. By recognizing codependency and taking steps to address it, we’re already on the right track.
Let’s commit to self-care, self-respect, and healthy boundaries. Together, we can break the cycle of codependency and build more balanced lives.
About the Author
Kelly O’Horo, LPC, Certified EMDR Clinician, Consultant, and Trainer, Host of podcast Adaptable | Behavior Explained, and founder of Infinite Healing and Wellness
Kelly O’Horo, LPC, has been a therapist since 2010 and fell in love with EMDR therapy as a client first! She is passionate about being a trauma therapist as she has a lot of personal experience with trauma. She is a mother of 5 (four Veterans) and married to a wonderful survivor of C-PTSD, who is now also a counselor. They have 5 grandkids and, as the matriarch of the family, with an enneagram of 2, she is a natural helper and healer.
Kelly believes the therapy office is the classroom for the “life stuff” our clients weren’t taught before, about emotions, coping skills, and developmentally appropriate responses for today. Formerly a public-school educator of 15 years, she enjoys helping clinicians to develop into becoming their best EMDR therapist through the consultation process. Kelly specializes in attachment and implicit trauma and dissociation throughout the lifespan. “The difference between an EMDR therapist that is a carpenter as opposed to a craftsman is rooted in exquisite attunement, excellent consultation, and trust in the process.”